Chocolate Kisses

Kisses, unexpected kisses. Sometimes on the head, sometimes the shoulders, but my favorite were the ones on the lips. Soft and gentle. Not at all like the first time. The first time, to be honest, was pretty awful on his part: too fast, too much tongue, too much everything. Nevertheless, I liked them. They were earnest and sweet, like the person giving them. They were also very inexperienced in the beginning. In his defense, he’d always say, “I hadn’t kissed a girl in a very long, long time. Then, I met you.”

I actually had to tell him to slow down. Before him, my friends had always told me that you have to train a guy to kiss the way you like. Until him, I didn’t understand that.

We were hanging out in his room. He had offered me something to drink, multiple times too, until I finally accepted. The thought did pass through my head that he may very well be trying to get me drunk, but what I did notice was the nervous energy around him. I didn’t understand why though. He kept asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. I’d look at the clock and say, “It’s only 5:40. Are you hungry? We can go if you are.” He’d shake his head each time. Looking back, I can see he wanted to get me out of the room for fear of screwing things up. I think it was inevitable, even if it hadn’t happened the way it did.

He kept roaming around the room as I sat in the chair. It added to the nervous energy about him. Later he told me it was testing out a hypothesis. He kept moving to see if my body would move towards his direction. Each time he moved to a different direction, he said I would move my feet or my body to point towards him. That is how he knew.

Eventually he stopped moving around and asked me if I wanted to watch TV. I shrugged my shoulders and agreed. Later, I found out it was because I took my jacket off. It gave him the idea that may be I’d be sticking around longer than he thought. He started flipping through the channels, asking me if I had a preference. I didn’t. Eventually, I moved over to where he was sitting, siding up besides him, shoulder to shoulder. We continued to talk as he flipped through the channels, until we got to one with elevator music, showing different landscapes and such. As we were talking, he looked down at me. The inches he had on me always had me looking up at him. 

As I replied to something he said, I looked up at him and smiled. It was one of those moments, when it happened. The next thing I know his lips are mine, his tongue invading my mouth. 

Overwhelmed. That’s how I felt. To me it was unexpected and I didn’t see it coming. Looking back now, the signs were all there. I just refused to notice.

My mind was trying to catch up to my body, to the lips on mine, to the rough 5 o’clock brushing up against my skin. Once it did, however, I broke away from the kiss and looked at him. 

"What's wrong?"
"You need to slow down."

He moved in for another kiss. This was worse. Our teeth bumped and kept bumping after every try. I gave a little push, coming up for air. I burst out laughing, as he looked at me confused. 

When I finally caught my breathe, I looked up at him again. 

"You need to slow down. Bumping teeth while kissing is not normal."
"May be you're not doing it right."
I gave him a look. 
"Ok I'm going to do something and I need you to do nothing, while I do it. Think you can do that?"

He nodded. I leaned over to him, moving closer to his lips. 

I paused, just hovering above his lips, before I placed mine on his. I kissed him, slowly, loving the lack of teeth bumping. 

I pulled away. His eyes were still closed, savoring the moment. 

"That's how you kiss."
"It's been a while for me."
"I could tell."

He ducked his head, a little embarrassed. I chuckled. The tables were turned. 

I swooped in for a quick kiss. He smiled and returned the one I gave him. 

We kept at it for a little bit, until I noticed something on his arm. They were brownish splotches on his skin. 

"What's wrong with your arm?"

He looked down, noticing it for the first time. I tried rubbing it, but no such luck. 

"I swear this wasn't there before."

While I'm rubbing his arm, he noticed something on my shirt and began laughing. 

"What?"

"Look at your shirt."

I look down and notice the same colored splotches on my black polka dot top. Then I look down at the sheets under us. I notice the same thing on it as well. I get up and I finally see the melted chocolate squares on the bed. He takes one, popping it into his mouth. 

"It's still good."

I fall back onto the bed, laughing. He pulls me into his arms, his lips finding mine. 

I taste the chocolate on his tongue and I smile against his lips. 

See You Again

"We've come a long way from where we began. I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

They say when you love someone, they can never really die. So long as you carry your memories of them, they're never truly gone. I believe it.

Sometimes I wake up unable to remember your voice or the way you laughed. I just see your face, smiling. I hate that I'm forgetting bits of you. It scares me, considering how much you meant to all of me, to all of us. It's been ten years and not a year goes by when I don't think about you.

I wonder what you'd think if you saw me now. I'd like to think you'd be happy for me, that you'd still be that cousin sister I'd talk to. I had another cousin pass away the way you did. It made me remember you and all the times we had. You took me to my first R-rated movie. You covered up my eyes during the sex scenes. It was Alexander with Colin Farrell, terrible movie, but I was excited. I watched it with you and the rest of the older cousins. The summer before I finally got be one of your dance students, when you taught us a dance for Ammachi's surprise 70th birthday party. Granted we messed up a ton when we performed it and I was too focused on imitating the person in front of me to notice that you were in the back of the crowd doing all the moves along with us. You were a dancer, an older cousin-sister, and a great listener. Nothing and no one can ever take your place.

"How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?"

I wish we talked about you more. No one ever mentions your name in the family. I think the last time I heard yours was when I talked about you with Stef. You looked out for us as kids, talked to us, kept in touch. No family is ever the same after a loss like that. Ours isn't and I don't think it ever will. The closest we got was when I threw that 25th anniversary party for my parents. We had all the cousins, young and old, in the basement. We drank together, played flip cup together, and we took care of one another. I'd like to imagine you'd be there and stayed up late with us, instead of going to bed earlier like the older ones. Probably would have been the one to take care of Jakey, when he started throwing up. Knowing you, you'd probably have given a lecture the next morning too. Whatever it is you'd have done, I know we'd have loved you for it.

Since you left, sometimes I think about the other path that you could have taken. But I know that's not our reality. Since you've been gone, I see the world differently. It taught me that nothing lasts, the good nor the bad. You taught me to appreciate the moment you're in; that no matter how bad things are right now, it'll get better. I can appreciate the good moments better because of you; I can live in them because I know they might not be there tomorrow. I don't know if I'd have that without you.

As much as this still hurts a decade later, I hope wherever you are, that you're happy. I hope that the pain is gone. I hope that you found peace and I hope that you found your way home. I'll hold on to the memories and that love will never be lost.

"It's been a long day without you my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."