See You Again

"We've come a long way from where we began. I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

They say when you love someone, they can never really die. So long as you carry your memories of them, they're never truly gone. I believe it.

Sometimes I wake up unable to remember your voice or the way you laughed. I just see your face, smiling. I hate that I'm forgetting bits of you. It scares me, considering how much you meant to all of me, to all of us. It's been ten years and not a year goes by when I don't think about you.

I wonder what you'd think if you saw me now. I'd like to think you'd be happy for me, that you'd still be that cousin sister I'd talk to. I had another cousin pass away the way you did. It made me remember you and all the times we had. You took me to my first R-rated movie. You covered up my eyes during the sex scenes. It was Alexander with Colin Farrell, terrible movie, but I was excited. I watched it with you and the rest of the older cousins. The summer before I finally got be one of your dance students, when you taught us a dance for Ammachi's surprise 70th birthday party. Granted we messed up a ton when we performed it and I was too focused on imitating the person in front of me to notice that you were in the back of the crowd doing all the moves along with us. You were a dancer, an older cousin-sister, and a great listener. Nothing and no one can ever take your place.

"How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?"

I wish we talked about you more. No one ever mentions your name in the family. I think the last time I heard yours was when I talked about you with Stef. You looked out for us as kids, talked to us, kept in touch. No family is ever the same after a loss like that. Ours isn't and I don't think it ever will. The closest we got was when I threw that 25th anniversary party for my parents. We had all the cousins, young and old, in the basement. We drank together, played flip cup together, and we took care of one another. I'd like to imagine you'd be there and stayed up late with us, instead of going to bed earlier like the older ones. Probably would have been the one to take care of Jakey, when he started throwing up. Knowing you, you'd probably have given a lecture the next morning too. Whatever it is you'd have done, I know we'd have loved you for it.

Since you left, sometimes I think about the other path that you could have taken. But I know that's not our reality. Since you've been gone, I see the world differently. It taught me that nothing lasts, the good nor the bad. You taught me to appreciate the moment you're in; that no matter how bad things are right now, it'll get better. I can appreciate the good moments better because of you; I can live in them because I know they might not be there tomorrow. I don't know if I'd have that without you.

As much as this still hurts a decade later, I hope wherever you are, that you're happy. I hope that the pain is gone. I hope that you found peace and I hope that you found your way home. I'll hold on to the memories and that love will never be lost.

"It's been a long day without you my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."