“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
- Winnie the Pooh
Sometimes life gets busy, crazy. You get caught up in all the wrong priorities and forget all the important things. You could say that's what happened to me but unlike most I was aware of what was happening. I knew and didn't do anything to stop it. I had the usual excuses. Work was hectic-ish, there was soo much to study, my exam is right around the corner, there's so much to do, etc.
But the problem of prioritizing all those things, not that they're not important, is that it leaves you feeling isolated, lonely, and slightly crazy. And I was certainly going crazy. I had become the friend that had to always say "Sorry, I can't. Have to study, work, etc." I became the daughter that would come home at 10pm from work, say a quick hi and go straight to bed. There would be days that would go bye where I didn't see my own parents. This is despite the fact that I live with them, I was probably also starting to become a shitty sister. I barely knew what was going on in my brothers' lives or bothered to ask. If I had a boyfriend around this time, I'd probably make a shitty girlfriend. It felt as though my life was at an absolute standstill, wrapped up in work and studying, while everyone around me got to live.
Along the way I was also losing myself, the part of what made me Me. And believe it or not, the girl who used to enjoy her solitude for the most part, was starting to fear the idea of spending her life alone, despite the fact that the idea of a house on a beach, a few kids, and a dog still seems like the dream. I guess there's something about having the people around you finding significant others, getting engaged, getting married had be feeling like the turtle from the turtle and the hare fable. I had become withdrawn, quieter, less social and outgoing. And it was eating away at my sanity, despite the fact that this life was my choice and I made it a year ago knowing that it was the best considering my circumstances in the here and now.
Then, about a week ago I found out my cousin passed away. Suddenly, everything turned upside down. I put my priorities list on hold for a moment. I started coming home early to spend time with the people I love. I'd come home and sit and actually talk to my parents. Anyone who meets my parents knows that they always have interesting stories to tell. Unlike me, they have lives, my mom, especially. She told me about this 80 year old lady she met on her flight back home from the funeral, how they spent the entire plane ride talking to each other.
Sitting there talking to the two of them, I remembered all that I had put to the side in favor of work and the CPA. I have a pretty great relationship with my parents, despite the fact that I live with them. It took time and not a few hurdles and troubles before we got to where we are right now, but I wouldn't take any of it back. Sometime in college I came to realize that my parents are people too and not just my parents. Not just that, there will be a day when they won't be here anymore, because at some point we all die. The last thing I want is to spend our days arguing and staying mad over the little things. Granted, it's easier said than done, especially after moving back home after college, But, it doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day they're the ones who stay by your side when all else goes to hell.
As much as my cousin's death pained me, it also reminded me of everything that I had, all the relationships in my life. It gave me a little part of myself back. May not be much but it's a good starting point to rebuilding who I am. As much as I complain about my life/schedule right now, I still have it pretty damn great. Sure I don't have a life between work and studying and the concept of the weekend makes no difference to me. But, I know at the end of this part of my journey, I know I'll have people waiting for me. I just need to make sure there's a me to get to the finish line.
So yes my life will still be work and studying until I pass this last exam, Just now, I can see what's waiting for me at the end of this road and if I remember not lose myself along the way, I should be ok.
" 'I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,' said Pooh.
'There there," said Piglet. "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.' "
- Winnie the Pooh
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